Dear Blog, friends, family, anyone who chances upon this entry:
Christmas Eve. I know, I know, it’s not Sunday morning, but it’s almost 11 p.m. on a night of miracles old and new.
What better time to write, huh?
Spent the evening with my cousin Lori, dining at a nearby Mexican restaurant to get my holiday fix of tamales (not bad, not as good as those the Acevedos from across the street used to bring each Christmas morning for Mom, Dad and me to scarf down in 60 seconds).
It was the companionship and conversation that made tonight one of those miracles one shouldn’t ignore. So many gifts come our way this time of year (after all I wrote about that last week), but it’s truly the miracles right under our noses that I’ll never get over.
Lori and I have an ongoing joke. I say “I love you.” She replies, “I love you more.” I say, “No, I doubt that.” She says, “I don’t” and we carry on until we say that this is a disagreement that will never be solved.
Lori is my hero for so many reasons, and that’s why, through my blog, I get to say “I love you more” and she can’t reply. So there, Lori!
Here’s why she’s my hero: There’s a lot of adversity in her life that would make weaker souls crumble. I’m not as strong as her by a long shot.
Yet she’s there for me whenever doubts overtake me, when I need a sounding board to vent some aggravation, to say it’s all right for me to be focused on myself as I experience changes I don’t understand.
I’ve carried a load of guilt about this encroaching self-centeredness, and expressed that to her tonight. And she said it was all right.
Though I’m not completely convinced, mind you, but I have come to realize that one must understand oneself to clear the way to benefit others … and having loved ones like Lori helps me keep on track. With her as inspiration, I’m finding my way.
I’m grappling with some spiritual issues that have kept me searching harder than I have ever done to find answers. We all face these issues sometime in our lives…and the questions just keep coming for me right now.
I’ve been given glimpses of answers, mere wisps of clarity, enough to convince me that we’re not supposed to have all the puzzle pieces at once.
“I still haven’t found what I’m looking for,” goes the refrain from a U2 song, and I have to agree…but what happens when you do?
Of late, I’ve been attending a local church, don’t know why, maybe to see if there were some answers there. What I did find was a warm bunch of folks, not unexpected, since churches are big-hearted communities of those who gather in His name.
I was also looking for peace, a timeout from the hubbub my psyche is going through with so many changes taking place of late. The little sanctuary was a nice start to finding some answers, and did provide some peace.
Though I found some alignment with some of my own beliefs, questions still call, particularly about “faith.”
That’s tough to comprehend, I’ve come to accept. Faith is faith, don’t overthink it, just trust that it is and will always be a refuge.
I’ve found a bit of that refuge at a tiny “adoration” chapel at the Catholic church near my home. This quiet space calms my soul, a perfect place for quiet, mind-clearing meditation. I stopped in, quite spur of the moment on my way home from Lori’s tonight.
Sitting in the silence of the chapel has a profound effect on me, no denying that. I’m moved to the point of tears most times – and why is that? Am I such an emotional basketcase that I have to seek solace there? Is it because my heart is open? Is some spirit working a miracle in me? That’s almost too dramatic for me to comprehend … why me? It could be all of those things, and finally, why not me?
I know that I’ve been touched by the divine – let’s just put it out there, by God – several times in my recent past. I don’t understand these occurrences; maybe it’s not for me to do so. Just accept … accept pure faith, unadulterated by man’s interpretations of the divine, of God.
One of those divine taps on the shoulder is Lori...a gift to my life.
Maybe that’s the miracle tonight – faith, and the love that goes hand in hand with it, is all I need right now at this moment.
It’s 11:57 p.m., three minutes til Christmas Day and the long ago miracle that promises so many miracles to come.
With that, I wish you all faith, love and all the blessings your lives can hold.
Thanks for checking in on me – Cathie Lou